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0

Cons

I have a new post up at collaborativecomics.com. It concerns me, drinking, conversations, and conversations I have had while drinking. It does not feature convicts, concierges, or Connecticut.
0

New Dixie Lyle

Wow. Man, am I disorganized. Just realized my latest Dixie Lyle book, TO DIE FUR, came out FOUR DAYS AGO and I'm just now noticing. So, uh, here it is. (oh, and I think the e-version of the first one is still on sale until Sept. 1 for around three bucks.) http://www.amazon.com/Die-Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot-Mystery/dp/1250031087/ref=tmm_mmp_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1409431736&sr=8-1
1

Webcomic!

Hey, everyone. First of all, I want to apologize for leaving everyone hanging. The thing is, I'm not done with Jace--I just wanted to branch out and do a few other projects I was excited about. One of them, the WHISKEY, TANGO AND FOXTROT MYSTERIES, (with me writing as Dixie Lyle) has been a lot of fun and let me be really, really goofy. The first three books are done, and now I'm concentrating on putting together a webcomic with the amazing Deni Loubert, a multitalented woman whose list of accomplishments is too long to go into here. Both of us will be blogging regularly about the process over at collaborativecomics.com, and it would be nice if people dropped by to say hello. CROSSOVER will be a very interactive project, and even people who don't know a thing about comics can participate. Also, since it's about a multiversal bar, we plan on having a lot of guest stars. The very first one will be a cynical NSA agent who was last seen trying to make a very important personal decision . . . Want to see more Jace? Drop on by collaborativecomics.com and join the conversation.
2

Somewhat Big Announcement

I have a confession to make. No, it's not about that time in the hot tub, with the thing and the other thing. No, it's not about my addiction to old episodes of Mr. Dressup. It's not even about (redacted), because I'm waiting for the statute of limitations to run out on that one. It's that. . . I'm a Southern Belle. In a (mostly) literary way, I mean. I've never even been to Atlanta, let alone set it on fire. I rarely have affairs with handsome vampires, and I'm not all that fond of mint juleps. However. I am, in some circles, known as Dixie. Dixie Lyle, to be precise. And I have been known to write the occasional light-hearted paranormal mystery (well, paranormal cozy, to be honest) featuring witty banter amongst quirky characters, some of whom may be dead. Or talking animals. Or dead talking animals. I've been told the books are quite funny, usually after I buy the person in question a number of drinks. What's that? Oh, yes, it's a series: The Whisky, Tango and Foxtrot Mysteries. WTF for short, though I get the oddest looks when I mention that. The first one, A TASTE FUR MURDER, is doing quite well. If you'd like to check it out, the Kindle edition is on sale for the special price of $3.25, for the month of August only. It's a great beach read, but who reads e-books at the beach? Splurge and buy the print edition if you're going to go lie in the sun. Or get it from the library, I'm sure they have lots. Hmmm. I'm not very good at this promotion thing, am I? Oh, who cares. Just read, hopefully enjoy, and let me know what you think. Ta.
0

Can it be? A new post at last?

Um, no. But here is a terrific guest post by the talented Alex C. Hughes: The author of the award-winning Mindspace Investigations series from Roc, she's lived in the Atlanta area since the age of eight. She is a graduate of the prestigious Odyssey Writing Workshop, and a Semi-Finalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novels 2011. Her short fiction has been published in several markets including EveryDay Fiction, Thunder on the Battlefield and White Cat Magazine. She is an avid cook and foodie, a trivia buff, and a science geek, and loves to talk about neuroscience, the Food Network, and writing craft—but not necessarily at the same time! You can visit her at Twitter at @ahugheswriter or on the web at http://www.ahugheswriter.com. Or, join her email newsletter for free short stories at http://www.ahugheswriter.com/email-signup. Survival Guide: Being Buried Alive (the Unlikely Edition) A blog post by Alex Hughes Recently I was asked by a lovely online friend how to survive being buried alive. I’m not sure why I was the right choice for an expert on this topic (surely there’s a hotline out there somewhere), but after much thought, here’s what I have. 1. The Action Movie solution: If it’s your job to be buried alive, first assemble a large team of motivated competent people and scatter them throughout the city you’ll be buried in. Ideally, obtain government resources to ensure they find you quickly. I’d recommend a satellite transmitter strong enough to punch through five feet of earth. If possible, obtain a small rebreather kit and/or scuba tank with mask. Bonus points for training by a guru on how to breathe taking up less oxygen. --Once you are buried, wait. Be patient, and use the time to catch up on your existential thinking. Do not struggle or panic, as this uses up oxygen too quickly. Trust your extremely competent team and the quiet beeping of your tracking device. --During the rescue: meditate, or chant 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall to yourself. Knock on the coffin occasionally to ensure they’re digging in the right direction. Remain calm. --Once you are rescued: buy your team presents. Do not object to any bruising caused by shovels. Say thank you early and often. Then, take some time off. Obtain good therapist. Find new job. 2. The Vampire Movie solution: If you know that the evil vampire nation is planning to bury you alive, plan ahead. Arrange to be bitten by a more powerful good vampire in advance. If you time things carefully, you can go through the Change underground, where you are less likely to hurt anyone. Bring at least two liters of vacuum-packed blood with you in your cargo shorts and a small knife to puncture the seal. --Once you are buried, don’t worry. Oxygen is no longer an issue for you. Do drink the blood slowly, as your system needs time to adjust to the new nourishment. Rest and relax while your system adjusts to your brand new life. --Feeling peevish? Your new accommodations are uniquely suited for anger therapy. Feel free to punch and kick the top of your coffin as often as you like. Eventually it will break under your new strength and you will be able to push through to the soil above. Again, oxygen is not an issue for you now, so work at your own pace. You will find the soil surprisingly comfortable as you work your way to the surface. --Once you surface, shake off the dirt from your clothes and cope with any lingering claustrophobia issues. Dispatch any members of the evil vampire nation waiting for you. Then, finish the last of your stored blood and go looking for a shower. Your good vampire master will want you clean as you arrive at his home for backup. 3. The Houdini solution: If you must appear to be buried alive, for example to fake your death and leave the mob, or to get rid of a stalker, consider whether you’ll actually need to be buried. Can a lifelike replica do the job? If so, spare no expense. Hire the work out to out of towners, ideally artists in China or prop masters out of Hollywood, as both are far away and unlikely to ask questions. Let the bad guys see you knocked out, then have them see the replica in the coffin being buried. For your average evil villain, this should serve your purpose nicely. Buy yourself a nice funeral; you’re worth it, and you’ll want to be comfortable as you watch your friends and family say nice things about you. If a replica simply will not do the trick, plan the situation out in advance. Buy large-gauge pipe graded for underground use, and install tunnels beneath the area your coffin will be buried. Hide your exit carefully in a nearby copse of trees or behind a landscaping shed. Install a door at the bottom of the coffin that you can trigger from the inside, and connect it to the underground pipe carefully. Do several dry runs, where you test the system under every possible condition. --Once you are buried, take a few deep breaths, center yourself, and escape through your carefully crafted and well-rehearsed routine. When you complete the routine, stifle the urge to bow; the audience, if you have done your job, will still be looking at the burial plot. Retrieve your getaway bag and leave town. 4. The New Yorker solution: Carry a taser, a knife, and two vials of pepper spray rated for bear. When the bad guys come at you to try to bury you alive, scream like a banshee and tase anything that moves. If the taser runs out of juice or needs recharge time, proceed to the backup pepper spray. If the pepper spray annoys you, proceed to the knife. Once your enemies are incapacitated, say “Thanks for the burial offer, but no thanks, I’m good,” and proceed to the nearest police station to ask as many annoying citizen questions on a current topic as humanly possible. Bonus points if you are annoying enough to get thrown in the drunk tank overnight; your assailants are unlikely to storm the police station to get you, and may give up on the premise that you’re Rambo or working with the cops. Remember to discard the taser before entering the station! 5. The Adam solution: Do as much as possible to talk the bad guys out of their plan prior to reaching the cemetery. If this fails, proceed to Plan B. Discard Guild ethics and disable all thugs immediately by putting their brains into sleep mode. Then, implant an uncontrollable terror of messing with Adam again into the mind of the leader. Watch him run away, but try not to smirk. Or, just to mess with them, convince their brains that they’ve already put you in the coffin. Plant a do-not-notice suggestion in their minds, and stand back while they bury an empty coffin. Read their next plans from their speech and thoughts, then walk away quietly. When the police show up in the middle of their next Big Awesome Crime Thing, make sure they see your face. At this point, smirking is perfectly acceptable.
14

Welcome to the new Website!

Ain’t it all purty and stuff? Thanks very much to the amazing Travis Pennington for the great job he did. And now, let’s get this sucker rolling with my first blog post in a very long time.

Let’s start with some Good News, Bad News, shall we? The Good News is that Book Six of the Bloodhound Files, UNDEAD TO THE WORLD, is finished. The Bad News is, it looks like this is the final installment of TBF for the foreseeable future. Boo, I know.

But wait—there’s more Good News! I’ve just sold a brand-new series to St. Martin’s Press, and I’m hard at work on the first book. The series is called the WHISKY, TANGO AND FOXTROT MYSTERIES, and involves a team of paranormal sleuths that solve locked-room type mysteries. There’ll be lots of humor and the kind of banter you got in THE BLOODHOUND FILES, plus an interesting (and unique) take on the afterlife. Uh, afterlives.

Also, there will be monkeys.

Not just monkeys, either—all sorts of animals. You see, Whisky is the ghost of a dog, and Tango is a cat working on her seventh life. Foxtrot is the one who actually has to solve the crimes, but having a cat who speaks over three hundred animal languages (Okay, most of them are feline dialects) and a dog made of ectoplasm with access to a supernatural database of scents gives her some handy tools to work with. Too bad her day job is being the Gal Friday to an eccentric billionaire with a sprawling estate and a habit of inviting the most unusual people to stay with her.

And then there’s the pet graveyard next door . . .

No info yet on pub date for the first one, but I’ll keep you posted. Promise.

2

I’m baaaaaaack . . .

I suck.

Not in a hemovorous sort of way, either. More in a “can you believe how long it’s been since I posted on my website” sort of way. I plead parenthood, two active pseudonyms (Damn you, Cortez, and your Teutonic success!) plus there was this terrible natural disaster during an alien invasion while I was very sick and it wasn’t my fault.

All right. Let’s see if I can update my general progress.

Parenthood mentioned. Check.

Book Four of The Bloodhound Files, Better Off Undead, coming out on October the Third. Check.

Book Five, Back From the Undead, finished and turned in. Check. Wait, I haven’t actually received the check yet. Pending.

Book Six, Undead to the World, in progress. Just finished Chapter 4, actually. I mean, check—

Pardon me, senora. A moment of your time, if you please. My new novel, REMOTE, will also be issued shortly as an e-book. It is a sequel—

–hang on, pal. You can’t just bust in here and start promoting your own stuff while I’m in the middle of an update—

–a sequel to my novel THE CLOSER, which, as you know, made it onto the top ten bestseller list in Europe—

No, Cortez, it didn’t. It hit number 25. In Germany. And the sequel doesn’t even drop until next May, so why are you interrupting me right now?

It comes out in Germany in May, it is true, but the e-book will be sooner. And in English.

Sigh. Okay, what’s the e-pub date?

I do not know. Yet.

Right. Go away.

Farewell, senora. Until we meet again.

That guy . . . anyway, what else? Oh, yeah, Jace was nominated as Urban Fantasy Heroine of the!year last year (she didn’t win, and is still sulking). I’m really excited about the current book, which does some very interesting things as far as the relationship between Jace and Charlie go—

Hey there!

Oh, no. You, too?

Don DeBrandt here! Just thought I’d let you all know my out-of-print Science Fiction works are also being released as e-books! The cyberpunk classic THE QUICKSILVER SCREEN, my cyberfolk trilogy, STEELDRIVER, TIMBERJAK and V.I. will all soon be available again!

Terrific. Congratulations. You don’t have a release date, either, do you?

No, I don’t!

Uh-huh.

And my exclamation point is stuck!

I can see that.

Actually, it really hurts! Please help me!

I hate you, DeBrandt. Donn Cortez is smarmy, but you’re a lunatic.

I think it’s getting worse!!!

Goodbye, DeBrandt.

Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!—oh, that’s better.

Moving right along . . . my publisher is currently considering a proposal for a new series. Don’t want to say too much right now, but it will bring the funny. And the twisted. And the shambling . . .

I guess that’s about it for now—oh, wait. I have a Facebook page now, and a Twitter account. Follow me or drop me a comment, please. The only thing keeping me sane while I wade through robot-generated comment spam promising me great deals on Liberian passports is the prospect of something written by an actual human being. So please, for the love of God, post something. Anything. Just try to restrain yourself on the use of exclamation points—my ears are still ringing from DeBrant’s little visit.